I’m Booker. I’m 44 years old and I’ve been Sober a little over 6 years. I am a complete failure in every aspect of my life. I was unemployable. I was homeless, facing another trip back to the penitentiary. Yeah, it was bad. It was bad. Trouble was coming. When I hit the scene, people dispersed. I was in complete acceptance of what my life was gonna look like. Well, I’m going to create wreckage. 

I’m gonna go back to the penitentiary. I’ve been in prison three times. So basically, from 1999 to 2010-11, I was incarcerated. In intervals, I’ll get out for nine months, all directly related to drugs and alcohol to direct correlation. And I was in acceptance that this is my life, I’m going to create wreckage, and I’m going to go back, and I’m going to be a useless member of society. And I’m a failure. 

And that’s just what it is. And it was all a direct correlation to drugs and alcohol. My buddy allows us to turn and the first time I heard him speak, there’s one of the things that caught my eye when he said “I was out of the hustle, completely out of the hustle.” And I just asked for help, like for the first time a buddy that I used to run the streets with when I got Sober. And his life looked a lot different than mine at that time, and I asked him for help. And I was facing another case. 

I was going… I was on my way back to prison for the fourth time, category three felon, that’s nine and a quarter. This is entry-level. That’s the minimum amount of time I was going… I was looking at it. Just to give you a cliff note or what the last few days look like for me. Is that… Okay, I’m from Michigan and my mom came to town. And I tell the story almost every time I pitch and when she came to town, I was a highly recognizable man. I’m 60 years Sober. 175 pounds. 

At this time, you want to knock off 30 pounds easily. I’m not a vision for you like Erica says all the time. So what happened was and this was like a pivotal turning point for me, man. This is when I knew that I was a bonafide dirtbag. When my mom came to town. I’m sleeping in my ex-girlfriend’s garage, in a Hello Kitty sleeping bag that I borrowed from my daughter that Christmas before that, this is March of 2014. And what wound up happening was when mom came to town, she asked me to get her luggage out of the car when she pulled it up. 

And when I stood up, and we made eye contact, her lips started quivering. And as I’m walking, I’m shameful at this point. As I’m walking towards her past her, I intend to walk past her and get the luggage out of the car. She blocks me off and hugs me. And I can hear her crying on my shoulders. And I want a hug and let go.  She’s my mom, the lady that raised me. Little backstory. I’m an honor student. Pretty decent athlete. Private School 12 years. I came from pretty decent… not a silver spoon, but a bronze…  what I’m getting at is that life was good for me. 

And it was sacrifices being made by my parents to have that kind of lifestyle. And this is how I turned out. So she started running down the sacrificial resume of all of the things that took place and here I am right now. Modified dirtbag. And honestly man I couldn’t understand or I couldn’t even comprehend or I didn’t want to listen to anything that she had to say. Basically what she was talking about was Gibberish. It was going aerodynamically around my head. Because I was focused on her purse. I did the math, my mom just flew 1900 miles, some $100 bills, credit cards in a purse. 

And that was my mission while she was there. Yeah, that’s looking back. Yeah, that’s bonafide dirtbag status. So a few days later, when she gets ready to leave, we’re at the airport. And like any self-respecting drug addict well we tried to turn her for some more money. “Hey, thank you for coming and she just cut into me. She cut into me. She said, “I know you’ve been in my purse.” And I had an ankle monitor on at the time. And I didn’t want her to know that I was going back to prison. I was released to pretrial services at my ex-girlfriend’s house.

I tried to hide it from her. But you got to plug the box in the beeping noise. I don’t know if you’re familiar with that. So anyway, the longest short is that she cut into me man and she told me that she’s like “Your dirtbag.” I’m using the term dirtbag loosely because she said some other things in an airport terminal. And she’s like, “I don’t want to have anything to do with you. 

And you deserve to go back to prison because at least I know you’re Okay When you’re in there.” She’s like, “I love you; you need to get some help.” But I’m pretty sure the next time I come here is going to identify your body. She got on an airplane. And I hopped into his girlfriend’s car. Because I wanted to forget about that experience. It was March 20 of 2014. 

And by God’s grace, I haven’t had a drink or drug since. And the funny thing about it was that I had done stuff a million times worse than that to my family, my loved ones to society. 

For that one experience, to make me…. not make me but to ask for help to come to a realization, something needs to change, help look life for me. Initially, self-willpower, self-knowledge, the whole I can do this. I’m not going to do anything. And I didn’t know anything about the threefold disease that I suffer from the mind, body, spirit, no none about that. I just knew that I could. I can just quit. And I was miserable. I detoxed. I would wake up drenched, the middle of the session was on me. 

And I didn’t know anything about any of these words or terms of how they apply to my life. But I was miserable. And a few days… about a week and a half later. I’m still in the same environment. I’m just, we could have later I was at a park, Chavez Park 35th Avenue in the baseline. And I was with some friends, and they were drinking, smoking, the music was planned to dominoes, shooting dice, with impunity. And I sat there and I was in something said, “Hey, man, you don’t need to be here.” And I got up and I just left. I didn’t even say bye to anybody. 

And I caught a buddy that was in the program of recovery. And we got the ball rolling. I checked into this place in Sunnyslope, good old Sunny Slope, Arizona. And when I got there, there were some rules to be applied for me to stay there. And I didn’t follow any of those rules. I didn’t know anything about these 12-steps for recovery. And they got to talking about the requirements as far as going to meetings and getting a sponsor, and I didn’t know what any of that was, I just want to go lay down, we get when we come up. 

When we come in the rain, we want to lay it out for a little while. And I didn’t do anything while I was there. I was miserable. And the only thing going for me is that I had a place to stay. And I stayed there a little bit over a week. And this part of my story always gives me goosebumps. I was getting ready to leave. It was a Saturday. I never forget it was a Saturday night in the house meeting was on Sunday morning. And I know I’m getting kicked out because I haven’t done anything here. 

I don’t have any money. I haven’t been looking for a job I’ve been leaving. I’ve been signing out, faking my slip. Just doing, doing what I know how to do, which is self-preservation selfishness. And as I’m leaving this place, there’s a meeting coming up every Saturday, every night at 7 PM Somebody will come in and share their stories and I never listened to those stories. And on a Saturday this guy named Milton walked in. And I’m so closed off and Milton, being quite frankly, looked like me if that makes any sense. So that was a 33% chance of me remotely listening to what this dude had to say. Because I’m blocked off at this point. I’m full of fear. 

I got an ankle monitor. Life is happening and I don’t, I’m not participating if that makes any sense. But something happened before that meeting. He came up to me and he stopped Talking to me. And he saw angst on me. He likes “What’s going on man? How are you doing?” I’m paraphrasing this has been years. I don’t know how to exact dialogue went. And I remember telling him, “I’m going to circle K”, it was a Circle K on 11th Avenue and I was… I’m going to circle K to get a polar pop. And this man had a cooler in the bed of his truck with sodas and waters in it. 

He was like, “Nah, I got something to drink right here. Let’s talk for a minute. I’m like, “What?” I’m like, “Who rides around with drinks?” No. So anyway, long what I’m getting at is that he talked to me for a few minutes. And I didn’t, I felt uncomfortable for lack of a better word. But what he was doing was exemplifying a little altruism. Little absence of profit motive. He was just generally concerned about me, and I felt uncomfortable. So he asked me to stick around. He was going to speak at the meeting that night. And I’m like, “Okay”, so I’m sitting there. 

And I’ll never forget this, I pulled my phone out. My prepaid phone and I’m playing the snake game. Because I’m not gonna listen to what this dude getting ready to talk about. And something happened in five minutes in his story, I put my phone down. And about 10 to 15 minutes into his story, my undivided attention. Because he was telling my story. And it was an amazing man. And something happened. I asked him to sponsor me. He gave me some instructions. 

And I being manipulative. I just needed him to sign my meeting slip for the House meeting the following morning. So I said, “Okay, so I will Have my meeting slip”, that way, I can show the management, “Hey, I’m doing something look.” So Sunday morning, they at this particular place, they have a house meeting at 8 PM. And you are required to be there. I saw up about 804,805.

 And they kicked me out. So at this point, my mind is telling me that… my mind is telling me that recovery doesn’t work. Look what I’m doing. And I’m not getting any instant results because I like instant results. So my mind tells me, I need to call the ex-girlfriend and see if I can move back over there. Because mind you’ll have an ankle monitor on so I have to be somewhere stable. And then my second thought was “Why don’t I call that man I asked to sponsor me last night.” So I called him. 

He answered the phone and he gave me some instructions. This was a Sunday, he said, “Hey, there’s a place called the “Solutions.” And there’s a 6 o’clock meeting there tonight. I need you to be there. “Are you going to be right by then?” And I’m like, “Yeah, okay.” But I’m kicked out of this place. He was like, “We’ll figure that out. Meet me at the 6 o’clock meeting.” Are you going to be okay until 6 o’clock? “I’m not sure.”  All right. So eventually I got to the “Solutions”. 

And when I walk in this place, I get there a little early, like 5:50 AM. I got a blue bag with an adapter for the ankle monitor. I will never forget some magazines and some dirty underwear. And when I walk into this meeting hall, I’m extremely intimidated because there are about 100 people in here. And people are in their chest-bumping and high fiving and hugging and having a good time. And I’m like “What is going on here?” And something happened. I sat Wait, I’ll never forget, I sat in the back by the kitchen door with my bag, way in the back. 

When he started reading and passing out chips and a man, I got a seven-year chip. Seven years! seven years of what? And then a woman got a nine-year chip. I’m like “No way man.” “Nobody stays sober that long?” “Nine years! Whole years. Stop it” like this is no. But something happened that day, man. Eliza was speaking that day. 

And I didn’t know him at the time. But what I do recognize is that when he said his sobriety day, he had a little bit over a year, year, and a half at the time. And that planted a little hope for me because I couldn’t understand how somebody can get nine years or seven years but this man had a year and a half. He was 10 years younger than me.

And he planted a little hope I was like “Maybe that might be attainable.” That year and a half, that’s obtainable, if he can do it and I heard a story, I’m like, “maybe I can give it a shot.” Because when you knew 45 days, that guy’s a guru, he’s a master or whatever. And after the meeting, I went to the office. Mike Stone and Tommy Troy were in office and Solutions. And they said “Okay, so is such and such here to stay here a week, would you need to get a job and you can do all of these things. 

Do you have any money?” I’m like, “No, I don’t have any money.” I said, “My sponsor told me to come here.” “Who’s your sponsor?” Mike Stone. I said, “His name is Milton.” He said, “Oh!” So Mike Stone gets up goes to the office talks to Tommy Troy for about five minutes. And then the phone rings. Unbeknownst to me, is Milton Calling up there? And he vouched for me. So they already got two weeks… this… “these are the requirements well…” I’m like “Okay.” Two days later, he comes up here and we get busy doing some work. And I fully figured out and understand any of this… How is, doing this will work? Going to change my life, how’s this work gonna stop me from not going to prison or being a human being. And the first thing that we did was read a specific part in the book on page 52 of this particular book. 

And I was able to relate I was able to… that’s how I was feeling at the time. And he asked me, he said, “I want you to use this particular segment as a benchmark throughout your recovery if you decide to stay sober emotionally”, and he said “Emotionally!”, I never forget that. And I’m like, “What are you talking about emotionally?” In my mind and say, I said, “Okay”, but I’m like, Dude, “I’m trying to keep a pill on my body or some drink off my lip” or six years later, I know exactly what he’s talking about. He’s preparing me for now. For life now. In the long-short is the man we I went through the work. And that June, I went to court. And all while I was at Solutions, the first 90 days leading up to me going to court.

I will go to work. And I will be on time to do tasks and drop these claims anyways. And then I got into school at South Mountain Community College and I had a job working at a steelyard on 19th Avenue in Buckeye. And I was required to go to seven meetings in seven days. And certainly, some of those means had to be outside meetings. I was required to keep my room clean, or my portion of the room clean, I had a chore. And what I realized is that my life got busy. And it was preparing me for something. I did not have a car, didn’t have a license, did not have anything. 

But I would get to these places on time via the bus and it taught me how to plan my day out because my day was 15 minutes…. 20 minutes, I need to be somewhere else on time. There was a curfew there etc. And that June 9th, I went to court for sentencing. And I was through my steps by that time in 90 days. And I was in total acceptance of what was going to happen in that courtroom, total acceptance.